I often feel strange later in the day. It has nothing to do with my health, I think it is something emotional/psychological. It's this strange feeling like there is a massive weight on my heart, and my energy level goes through the damn roof.
All I want to do is run around as hard as I can until the odd feeling goes away. In fact I normally do just that, otherwise I am unable to sleep at night because this extreme level of excited energy will not go away unless I do something about it. i can be magnificently creative when I'm in this state, or explosive, but it is always an extreme of some sort.
Right now I feel like typing as fast as I can. I'm hoping that by just blurting this garbage out, I will be able to get out whatever it is that is making me feel this way. I really don't know what it is. Today was a boring and trying day, and maybe that's what causes it. The people I work with did a good job of getting under my skin today, and since I keep myself muted at work this might be another reason why I'm like this later in the day.
I imagine that if I could fly, when in this state I could move at super sonic speeds.
When I'm alone and able to just sit and think the strangest thoughts come to me. There is always the desire to live somewhere else, to start new. I have nothing I want to escape though. I have a good life where I am, and good friends and good family. I don't really even like to travel, but just being somewhere away from everyone I have ever known has a certain appeal to me that I can't explain.
Another familiar thought comes to me. The feeling of being lonely and repressed. I'm not an open person, and I keep myself closed off from every once except my two closest friends, and even they don't know me as well as I wish they did. The reason I keep myself locked up is because of the darkness inside of me. What I feel is powerful, and dangerous. Anger is my very first reaction to anything, and I would prefer to throw my fists in anger than talk something out.
The good news for everyone around me is that I have created a very elaborate filter for my emotions and actions. It causes me to appear distant at times, but I really need it to prevent me from acting out in destructive ways. I don't hate the filter, in fact I love it for how it allows me to see the world. I am able to carefully and logically reason everything I am exposed to. But still, I am distant because of it.
Even if I wanted to open up more, I'm not sure what would be involved. I'm sensitive, so the natural fear is that opening up would make others easily able to hurt me.
Alright, enough of this garbage. That heavy feeling is moving away for now.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
No One Like Me
I'm a serial creator. There is always something I'm writing, drawing, or dreaming up. The trouble is I get bogged down in details when I'm trying to actually create something interesting. Be it some musical piece I feel a scene needs, or I'm unhappy with some dialogue; I end up spending obscene amounts of time on one detail, at the expense of everything else.
There is also the problem at me not being a professional at anything. I'm a decent artist, but not good enough to be paid for it. When I sit down to create something, the other parts of the project distract me from the most important parts of the project, like the artwork.
Maybe it's that I just can't finish anything. I wish I had someone as insanely zealous about a project as I can be. It would be fantastic to have someone working on a project with me, keeping me interested in it simply because they are also just as interested. I have yet to meet anyone like that, no one that can see a bigger picture, a picture where through collaboration a beautiful project can come into being loved by many.
Oh well, in today's world it's hard to find people with true drive.
There is also the problem at me not being a professional at anything. I'm a decent artist, but not good enough to be paid for it. When I sit down to create something, the other parts of the project distract me from the most important parts of the project, like the artwork.
Maybe it's that I just can't finish anything. I wish I had someone as insanely zealous about a project as I can be. It would be fantastic to have someone working on a project with me, keeping me interested in it simply because they are also just as interested. I have yet to meet anyone like that, no one that can see a bigger picture, a picture where through collaboration a beautiful project can come into being loved by many.
Oh well, in today's world it's hard to find people with true drive.
Magical Matrix
A while back I created a different style magic system. I had originally created it with the intent of writing a story. Sadly though that never got off the ground, although the idea was great, but I'll get to that later.
The magic system in this fantasy world revolved around there being 3 types of magic, and 3 types of levels they were used at. The first dimension had Channel, Vessel, and Hybrid magic. People that channeled magic tapped into the flow of energy around them. People who used Vessel magic tapped into the energy within them. People who use Hybrid magic could do both but be masters if neither.
The second dimension revolved around adeptness in a particular type of magic. The first level allowed for spells only to be cast on the mage. The second level allowed a mage to cast spells outside of themselves. The third level allowed for almost total control of the magical energies and allowed the caster to appear to be a god.
This creates a 3 by 3 matrix of abilities.
The Channel Knight. A warrior who casted spells on him or herself to increase their combat ability.
The Vessel Warrior. Similar to a berserker, with their abilities only being summoned under duress.
The Channel Mage. Mages that can use magic for long periods of time. They must force energy they channel into mental molds to create spell effects.Attempting powerful spells before the mage is ready can lead to death.
The Vessel Mage. Mages that can cast the most intense of spells, but cannot cast for long periods of time. They are also able add near constant effects to lifeless objects. Only this mage power has this unique ability.
Deities work in similar fashion to the mages, but without the restrictions of mental molds being required to create spell effects. Anything they can image to happen can happen.
The Hybrids are only in legend, and although it's said they have the abilities of both types, no one can confirm this.
I had created a story using the above powers to explain how a strange legend came true. A lord that was widely loved by the people, and hated by his fellow nobles was asked to go subdue a raging berserker. When he confronts the rogue berserker he learns that the whole incident was created by a conspiracy of nobles to kill the lord.
The lord and the berserker escape to the north. The berserker, feeling he owes a debt for being part of the conspiracy, vows to help the lord get back to his people. When they reach a large mountain range, a strange guide appears and offers to show them a safe path across the mountains.
Anyway, the story goes on with some interesting twists as the characters slowly come to realize who each other really are, and the mysterious stranger is found to be someone beyond belief.
I had a comic book type design set up for telling this tale. Using PowerPoint I created a number of scenes telling the tale. There was music for setting the mood of the scene, and active dialogue bubbles so a whole conversation could happen in one scene.
Things were moving along, with my artistic ability improving with each new scene. Sadly my trial version of Office expired, followed by a meltdown of my old laptop, leading to the shelving of that project. The desire to create a comic-book style electronic experience still resonates with me though.
The magic system in this fantasy world revolved around there being 3 types of magic, and 3 types of levels they were used at. The first dimension had Channel, Vessel, and Hybrid magic. People that channeled magic tapped into the flow of energy around them. People who used Vessel magic tapped into the energy within them. People who use Hybrid magic could do both but be masters if neither.
The second dimension revolved around adeptness in a particular type of magic. The first level allowed for spells only to be cast on the mage. The second level allowed a mage to cast spells outside of themselves. The third level allowed for almost total control of the magical energies and allowed the caster to appear to be a god.
This creates a 3 by 3 matrix of abilities.
The Channel Knight. A warrior who casted spells on him or herself to increase their combat ability.
The Vessel Warrior. Similar to a berserker, with their abilities only being summoned under duress.
The Channel Mage. Mages that can use magic for long periods of time. They must force energy they channel into mental molds to create spell effects.Attempting powerful spells before the mage is ready can lead to death.
The Vessel Mage. Mages that can cast the most intense of spells, but cannot cast for long periods of time. They are also able add near constant effects to lifeless objects. Only this mage power has this unique ability.
Deities work in similar fashion to the mages, but without the restrictions of mental molds being required to create spell effects. Anything they can image to happen can happen.
The Hybrids are only in legend, and although it's said they have the abilities of both types, no one can confirm this.
I had created a story using the above powers to explain how a strange legend came true. A lord that was widely loved by the people, and hated by his fellow nobles was asked to go subdue a raging berserker. When he confronts the rogue berserker he learns that the whole incident was created by a conspiracy of nobles to kill the lord.
The lord and the berserker escape to the north. The berserker, feeling he owes a debt for being part of the conspiracy, vows to help the lord get back to his people. When they reach a large mountain range, a strange guide appears and offers to show them a safe path across the mountains.
Anyway, the story goes on with some interesting twists as the characters slowly come to realize who each other really are, and the mysterious stranger is found to be someone beyond belief.
I had a comic book type design set up for telling this tale. Using PowerPoint I created a number of scenes telling the tale. There was music for setting the mood of the scene, and active dialogue bubbles so a whole conversation could happen in one scene.
Things were moving along, with my artistic ability improving with each new scene. Sadly my trial version of Office expired, followed by a meltdown of my old laptop, leading to the shelving of that project. The desire to create a comic-book style electronic experience still resonates with me though.
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