It's About That Time

I often feel strange later in the day. It has nothing to do with my health, I think it is something emotional/psychological. It's this strange feeling like there is a massive weight on my heart, and my energy level goes through the damn roof.

All I want to do is run around as hard as I can until the odd feeling goes away. In fact I normally do just that, otherwise I am unable to sleep at night because this extreme level of excited energy will not go away unless I do something about it. i can be magnificently creative when I'm in this state, or explosive, but it is always an extreme of some sort.

Right now I feel like typing as fast as I can. I'm hoping that by just blurting this garbage out, I will be able to get out whatever it is that is making me feel this way. I really don't know what it is. Today was a boring and trying day, and maybe that's what causes it. The people I work with did a good job of getting under my skin today, and since I keep myself muted at work this might be another reason why I'm like this later in the day.

I imagine that if I could fly, when in this state I could move at super sonic speeds.

When I'm alone and able to just sit and think the strangest thoughts come to me. There is always the desire to live somewhere else, to start new. I have nothing I want to escape though. I have a good life where I am, and good friends and good family. I don't really even like to travel, but just being somewhere away from everyone I have ever known has a certain appeal to me that I can't explain.

Another familiar thought comes to me. The feeling of being lonely and repressed. I'm not an open person, and I keep myself closed off from every once except my two closest friends, and even they don't know me as well as I wish they did. The reason I keep myself locked up is because of the darkness inside of me. What I feel is powerful, and dangerous. Anger is my very first reaction to anything, and I would prefer to throw my fists in anger than talk something out.

The good news for everyone around me is that I have created a very elaborate filter for my emotions and actions. It causes me to appear distant at times, but I really need it to prevent me from acting out in destructive ways. I don't hate the filter, in fact I love it for how it allows me to see the world. I am able to carefully and logically reason everything I am exposed to. But still, I am distant because of it.

Even if I wanted to open up more, I'm not sure what would be involved. I'm sensitive, so the natural fear is that opening up would make others easily able to hurt me.

Alright, enough of this garbage. That heavy feeling is moving away for now.